why is it so hard?

Himmat: Courage

Vachnamrut Loya 2:

Maharaj talks about how happy he is with those who are courageous. He describes one with courage as someone whose indriyas/antahkaran fear him because they know that they don’t stand a chance against him. Maharaj describes a person with courage as the ‘predominant’ person who would never fear death and will have accepted life and been happy in his life.

Swami, I feel like Maharaj is trying to make a point to me, really. It’s like He is telling me what he wants from me. In Purushottam Bolya Prite, I’m reading about the importance of satsang and how one is essentially nothing without satsang. How satsang is the one thing that completes the jiva and helps it attain moksha.

Swamini Vaato talk about Upsana.

All of my satsang reading for a few weeks has essentially talked about:

• Doing satsang because that’s the only way to come closer to God.
• Knowing the Upasana and having the understand Maharaj to be Purushottam and self to be Akshar.
• Controlling one’s mind and indriyas

One who controls the mind/antahkaran basically controls it all. That’s what you get taught in sabha day in and out. The importance. The himmat needed to conquer that. One might be able to think that one can set one’s mind on controlling one’s self when the inspiration hits or when the words are read. These words are unfortunately not ever taken into real consideration.

Maybe that’s what I need Swami. I need to implement both my journal as well as what I read from satsang books to integrate it into my letters to you.

Swami, although you already know, I must confess that Sunday and Monday were filled with unproductiveness and sitting around. I read a book for some of it. I’m starting to realize that having a Kindle app is a curse. I need it to sleep sometimes. I take that back. I don’t ever actually ‘need’ it. I just substitute Kindle reading with reading that might benefit me… More of this antahkaran controlling mess.

It’s hard Swami. Why is it so hard?